Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Jaxson the Legislator

April 11, 2009

Our poor son was being dragged along on a shopping spree the other day when he told his mom “I think they need to make a law that you can’t go into a store unless you are going to buy something.”

I agree with him. I have painful memories of my mother and sisters trying on mountains of clothes while I was left to languish in my boredom. After these marathon try-on sessions they usually bought about 2 things. I was so thankful when I was old enough to stay by myself at home or go to the bookstore.

Little does Jaxson know that his mama thinks that there is a real law like the one he mentioned.

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Dear Abby,

January 29, 2009

I confess I read Dear Abby everyday, but it is not so I can learn which hand it is proper to shake with in Malaysia. I read the column, because its interesting reading about how stupid people are. Most of the printed letters are from either stupid people or really creative writers and my vote falls on the former.

Next time you read the column just look at some of the stuff people ask. There is inevitably a question like this.

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend and I have been living together since my freshman year in college and I am now 45 years old. Abby, I just can’t understand why Bubba won’t marry me. All he cares about is Monster Truck rallies and beer and it makes me feel so alone. What can I do? I feel helpless.

                                                                              Alone in Arkansas

Abby usually gives some fru fru answer about self esteem and respect blah blah blah.

If I answered the questions the column would be a lot more fun

Dear Alone in Arkansas,

When people get milk for free they don’t buy a cow. Hope this helps.

Here’s is an actual example from today’s column

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up, girl! I switched to thongs when I turned 14 and have never looked back. A man can’t wear tight white jeans with anything else. Love … DINO IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear Dino in San Francisco,

You are gay! Thanks for your vote.

The reason I keep on reading despite the frustration is articles like this one from a business owner that was printed on January 13th.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/chi-090113-dear-abby-column,0,638242.column

The best part is rule #3

3. MAKE IT FIT. Anything that hugs the body too tightly is not right for the office. We have a woman working here who looks like a sausage stuffed in a floral polyester casing. It’s hard to take her seriously. The same goes for a man whose pants are so tight that you can tell his religion. Ditto for pants that are so loose and low-slung you can see his underwear or her thong.

Do an experiment. Read Dear Abby for a week and see if I am lying and if you regularly write to Dear Abby don’t tell me or I will make fun of you on the world wide web.

Gingerbread Ninjas

January 5, 2009

Once upon a time there were two little ginger bread ninjas. One was black and one was white. The white ninja was pure in heart and very beautiful. The black ninja was very handsome, and knew all kinds of martial arts like karate, ju jitsu, and kung fu, and he also had a cool yellow ninjaskull on his ninja suit. One day the ninjas were kidnapped and taken to a “party” where innocent Christmas tree residents like ginger bread ninjas were traded like slaves. The ninjas were put into a sack with some colorful paper until they were chosen in a blind selection at the slave party. Once the ninjas were unveiled they were laughed at and reviled. Their new owners and others at the party were openly aggressive toward them and mocked the people that brought them to the party saying things like “I can’t believe you brought those and your going to leave with something nice.” and “everyone brought nice ornaments and you brought…… Ninjas?” It looked hopeless for the little heroes until they caught the eye of an honorable and upstanding man named Antonio. Antonio fought for the one of a kind ginger bread ninjas and rescued them from their ungrateful new owners. The new ninjas now have a happy home on Antonio’s tree and they faithfully serve him by keeping the tree free of things that gingerbread ninjas keep trees free of.  The End.

This is a true story that occurred on December 16th at a Christmas party at Immanuel Baptist Church. No party participant feelings were hurt in the making of this story. (because Antonio boldly rescued the little heroes and everyone else left with something “good”)

Mulletsages

January 2, 2009

Improved Flavor?

January 2, 2009

We went to Dairy Queen the other day and I saw this in the freezer and it really made me wonder. Did the company get a designer to work this up on his last day of work? Improved Flavor? That is something you put on kids cough syrup not a tasty frozen confection. Seriously, when I read “Improved Flavor” on something I read it as “doesn’t suck as much as it used to”. Come on Dairy Queen you can do better than that!

Necessity is the mother of invention.

December 17, 2008

We decorated for Christmas the other day and Jennifer wanted to buy more golden reindeer. I told her we didn’t have room in the budget so she took matters into her own hands.

Halloween and Home Decor

November 4, 2008

What is it about Halloween that makes the guy with 8 abandoned cars in his front yard want to make his place look “cool” or “spooky”? Does Halloween channel Martha Stewart? Think about this for a minute. Drive around during Halloween season and go to the house where the cops have a standing appointment on Friday night and you will see they decorated for Halloween. It might not be a lot but they will at least have a fake ghost hanging from their dead tree and some polyester spider web draped over their unkempt bushes and abandoned cars. Test me on this and you will see I am right.

I don’t know if they feel like they have a head start on decorating for the holiday because their yard and house already look abandoned and haunted or if people who could give a crap about anything else just love Halloween. What do you think? Lets get the discussion going in the comments.

P.S. If you decorate the unemptied trash cans and old air conditioners in your front yard during Halloween I mean no offence. At least you are making an effort.

Sure we will “watch” the kids

October 20, 2008

This year my awesome wife and I gave my sister probably the best gift she has ever received. We dropped into Georgia for a surprise visit. Who wouldn’t want five people visiting you with no notice at all. Billy was happy, because it took a lot of pressure off of him for her 30th birthday. He pretty much piggy backed on our gift.

We surprised Kristy at the mall in Atlanta and after the initial excitement died down the women quickly settled into the groove of what they do best. Shopping! For some reason they didn’t want five small children tagging along so the manly men got to spend some quality with the kids. ( I have been told that it is not called baby sitting when they are your own kids) The following videos were taken during the women’s marathon shopping session.

James and Keri are not married at this time so he is in the process of trying to impress us. Notice what a great job he does of protecting the 10 month old baby. Way to go future uncle James!

The next video is called the flip of doom. Before anyone freaks out her dad is between the beds and she did not hit her head that hard.

Her flips were much more successful when there was no spotter. Sometimes you just have to let them go for it.

Spitting off the balcony rocks!

So the girls got to shop. The kids had a blast and everyone lived happily ever after

Kids are good for…

October 18, 2008

What are kids good for? Lots of things! This weekend I will attempt to answer this question by providing examples of our little maniacs.

Kids are good for shooting with silly string.

 

and scaring moms.

Sleepy Driving

October 5, 2008

I don’t know which is worse; The driver of the person filming him. My vote is for the camera lady.